Episode 1: Get Some!
[in response to a child letter]
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Dear Frederick, thank you for your nice letter, but I am actually a US Marine who was born to kill whereas clearly you have mistaken me for some sort of wine-sipping Communist dick-suck. And although peace probably appeals to tree-loving bisexuals like you and your parents, I happen to be a death-dealing, blood-crazed warrior who wakes up every day just hoping for the chance to dismember my enemies and defile their civilizations. Peace sucks a hairy asshole, Freddy. War is the motherfucking answer.
Sergeant Antonio 'Poke' Espera: But thanks for writing, anyway.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Aww, man, every motherfucker in this camp is just waiting for packages of dip, Rip Fuel, porn mags, batteries, hash chunks, dirty-ass jerk-off letter from Suzy Rottencrotch, except for Brad Colbert over here, who actually thinks that his mail-order turret is gonna come in before we step off. But no, all we get is this happy-day fucking horseshit from Miss Cunt Lips' fourth grade class. Can you fucking believe this shit?
***
Corporal Josh Ray Person [on Rudy Reyes]: You know, it doesn't make you gay if you think Rudy's hot. We all think he's hot.
***
Cpl. Evan 'Q-Tip' Stafford: Yo reporter, what are you wearing man
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: Boxers. Why?
Cpl. Evan 'Q-Tip' Stafford: It's going to be hot maggot. Me? I'm free-balling all the way to Baghdad.
***
Sgt. Larry Shawn 'Pappy' Patrick: We all have a job to do. Sgt Maj. Sixta's job is being an asshole... and he excels at it.
***
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey, War Scribe. Do you want some dip? The first couple times I dipped I puked a little. But, as long as you don't get it in Brad's Humvee, we won't mind.
***
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Wake up Trombley. You're missing the invasion.
***
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Our first contact with armed Iraqis and we wave them off like bitches.
Cpl. Gabe Garza: I had a beautiful head shot.
Sgt. Rodolfo 'Rudy' Reyes: We all did brother.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: You know what happens when you get out of the Marine Corps? You get your brains back.
***
Cpl. Ray Person: Look at this shit, how come we can't ever invade a cool country, like chicks in bikinis, you know, how come counties like that don't ever need Marines, I'll tell you why, it's lack of pussy that fucks countries up, lack of pussy is the root fucking cause of all global instability, if more hajis were getting quality pussy, there'd be no reason for us to come over and fuck em up like this, cause a nutbusting haji, is a happy haji.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, how much ripped fuel have you ingested.
Cpl. Ray Person: I'm on it like a mother fucker Brad, haha!...
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Well, no more of that shit...
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: An interesting theory though.
Cpl. Ray Person: Yeah, yeah, you should quote me on it, you know what, you should definitely quote me on it, this whole thing comes down to pussy! Look, if you take the Republican Guard and comp their asses for a week in Vegas, no fucking war!
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: So the war is not about oil or WMDs.
Cpl. Ray Person: No, in the opinion of this Marine, its about pussy.
Evan 'Scribe' Wright: And its not about Saddam.
Cpl. Ray Person: No, Saddam is just part of the problem, if Saddam invested more in the pussy infrastructure of Iraq than he did in his fucking gay ass army, then this country would be no more fucked up than say, Mexico.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, please shut up... thank you.
***
Episode 2: The Cradle of Civilization
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Sergeant, I thought they were going to send us over the bridge in darkness.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Not retarded enough.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [To Person] Careful with the Rip Fuel.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Fuck, man! I'm on thirty hours no sleep! Beat the record I made in high school when I was on the debate team.
Wright: Wait a minute, you were on the debate team?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Whats the channel for the 119s?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: [To Colbert] 64 and tad 7. [To Wright] Yeah, I was really really fucking good, but all the other guys on the team thought I was high all of the time.
***
Doc Bryan: Where did we get that so-called translator?
Lt. Nathaniel Fick: He told me he worked for General Mattis.
Wright: He told me he worked for the CIA.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Back at Mathilda, he said he could hook me up with a free satellite TV.
***
Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: What's the population?
Lt. Nathaniel Fick: About 400,000.
Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: [after explosion goes off in nearby town] Scratch a few off of that number.
***
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: [to Brad] I see foot-mobiles. 12 o'clock, a 100 metres. Damn! Brad! They're fucking hotties! I didn't know hajis could be hotties. I thought they were all camel-faced hags.
[to the haji hotties] Cpl. Josh Ray Person: As-salaam alaykum, ladies.
[to Brad] Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Damn, homey. Better than when I was in my band!
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: 'Cause they haven't heard you play.
***
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Sergeant, I didn't get to shoot!
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: That fucking sucks, Trombley. Did your recruiting officer tell you you'd get to shoot people?
Lance Cpl. Harold James Trombley: Fucking A he did!
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: See, Trombley asked about shooting people. I asked about pussy. The guy told me I'd get to go to Thailand and get all kinds of strange. What'd you ask about, Brad? Brad probably saw that T.V. commercial, the one with the knight that fucks up the dragon that turns into the Marine.
Cpl. Walt Hasser: Woo woo! Dress blues with a sword!
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Fucking dress blues commercial man. That got so many fucking dudes. Now look at us: Trombley hasn't killed anybody, I'm half a world away from good tight pussy, and Colbert is out here rolling around fuckbutt Iraq hunting for dragons in a MOPP suit that smells like four days of piss and ball sweat.
***
Episode 3: Screwby
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Yeah, looks like Saddam's big bad Republican Guard hajjis got wind I was coming. As the great warrior-poet Ice Cube once said, 'If the day does not require the use of an AK, it is good.'
***
Cpl. Gabe Garza: Sergeant, I just lost my helmet.
Sgt. Antonio 'Poke' Espera: What you wanna do, hold a funeral?
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [To Person] Then again, the world wouldn't have to deal with the prospect of you returning to your cretinous daughter-fucking trailer-park red-state shithole and producing mutant, whiskey tango, scrotum-faced, bucktoothed, zit-exploding progeny.
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Gentlemen, we just seized an airfield. That was pretty fucking ninja.
***
Episode 4: Combat Jack
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: I don't know why you guys are down on this shit. I'm a Christian.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Theologically speaking, Trombley, the world's been going downhill ever since man first offered entrails to the gods.
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: What's that mean? Entrails?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: That religion is gay.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: The point, Lance Corporal: we're supposed to be a recon unit of pure warrior spirit. We're out here, 40 klicks in enemy lines, and this man of God here, he's a fuckin' POG. In fact, he's an officer POG. That's one more layer of bureaucracy and unnecessary logistics, one more asshole we need to supply MREs and baby wipes for. And worst of all, worst of all, the motherfucker doesn't even carry a weapon. When push comes to shove even Rolling Stone picks up a gun but this fuckin' shill of God, he can't cover a sector, he'll never hump ammo or Claymores. This is a fuckin' war and we're here as warriors, so on top of everything else that's expected of us do we really need to drag him along and indulge in this make-believe bullshit?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Oh, no. Now not only do we have to worry about all the Charms you've eaten, but now Brad's just pissed off God.
***
Episode 5: A Burning Dog
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Hey Person, didn't your mom put your picture up on the Wal-mart Wall Of Heroes?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Yep. My grandma did when I went to Afghanistan. I'm on the Nevada, Missouri Wal-mart Wall Of Heroes. I even got my dress blues on.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: If my mother ever distributed my likeness without written authorization, I would disown her.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Technically speaking, Brad, but... didn't your biological parents disown you when they put you up for adoption?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Point, Ray. I was one of those unfortunates adopted by upper middle-class professionals and nurtured in an environment of learning, art and a socio-religious culture steeped in more than 2000 years of Talmudic tradition. Not everyone is lucky enough to have been raised in a whiskey tango trailer park by a bow-legged female whose sole qualification for motherhood is a womb that happened to catch a sperm of a passing truck driver.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: At least my mom took me to NASCAR!
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: ...Your dad's a truck driver?
***
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Hey guys, I just did a really dirty thing. You know that picture of the Rolling Stone's girlfriend?
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: I think it's safe to say we all know her intimately at this point.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: Well, I got it back form Bravo 3 and I swear to God I was going to give it back to him, but I ran into Watsic on the way over here, I traded that bitch for some pack of batteries.
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Ray, you pimped her out?
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: She's a dirty little hoochie isn't she.
***
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Goddamn Baptista! How the fuck would he like it if I joined the Brazilian Marines and only spoke English?
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [regarding Ray Person] Need I remind you that he is the best damn RTO in the business? As long as you keep him away from your uglier daughters and your smaller livestock.
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: And I fucking mean it about the country music.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: You know Brad, you're right. Now is an inappropriate time for country music. I was thinking a little more old-school R&B... because look -- I'm Stevie Wonder! [lowers night vision goggles] Blind as a motherfucker in my piece of shit NVGs! [singing] LA LA LA LA LA LA LA...
***
Episode 6: Stay Frosty
Corporal Josh Ray Person: This is really interesting, Brad. You know, Iraqis don't really seem good at fighting, but then they never really completely surrender either.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Put down that fucking milkshake and dig a fucking hole.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Why, so I can be more like the teacher's pet?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Yeah, that's exactly it. You should be more like Trombley.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: More like Trombley? MORE LIKE TROMBLEY?!
Marines: [chanting] Whopper Jr.! Whopper Jr.!
["Whopper Jr." means "Baby Killer"]
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: [running around a field with his arms outstretched like an airplane]
Corporal Josh Ray Person: What did you like give him some Rolling Stone drugs or something?
Evan Wright: I don't know.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: What the fuck did you do to him?
Evan Wright: Just asked him what he would be if he wasn't a Marine.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Oh my god, he wants to be a ballerina? That's my fucking dream!
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: There's something I've been keeping from you. I wasn't sure we were gonna live to share this moment.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Chef Boyardee! The master!
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Celebrate. Trombley, get a fire going. Walt, here.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: You deceiving, conniving, Hebrew motherfucker. How were you gonna to keep this from your dearest pal Ray-Ray?
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: I got one more secret to share.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: JUGGS!
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: No no no no no wait wait wait, not yet! I need some time with this alone!
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Come on, just give me one --
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Just calm down! You'll get your sloppy seconds with Jasmine. Ray, you gotta share with Trombley.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: What?! He'll kill her!
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Eat, fuck, kill -- all the same, right?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Yeah, all the same if you're a fucking psycho! Brad, I'm telling you, I fear for Jasmine.
Evan Wright: Speaking of which -- one of you guys still has my girlfriend's picture.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Dude, I hate to tell you this, but your girlfriend's kind of a whore.
Evan Wright: What?
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Yeah. Last time I saw her, she was doing all of H & S Company.
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: She doesn't deserve you, man.
***
Sergeant Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Once more into the great good night. Cry 'havoc,' and let slip the dogs of war.
Corporal Josh Ray Person: Man, when I get home I am gonna eat the fuck out of my girlfriend's pussy.Evan Wright: Is that Shakespeare?
Lance Corporal Harold James Trombley: Shakespeare wrote that? [Wright nods] About his girlfriend's pussy?
***
Episode 7: Bomb in the Garden
Sgt. Brad 'Iceman' Colbert: Where the fuck have you been? You haven't said 2 words since Baghdad.
Cpl. Josh Ray Person: No more Rip-Fuel
No comments:
Post a Comment